So, I want to apologize for my breakdown in my last post. I don’t know what happened. I honestly don’t. I was good and happy and then I wasn’t.
Well, I have an idea of what happened. Do you ever see someone’s life and they are happy and pursuing their dreams and you ask yourself why can’t I figure my life out? That’s what happened in my last post.
Although I’m happy when I see others with their lives figured out, I kind of fall apart because I don’t have my life figured out.
The chasm I talked about in my previous post — between who I am and who I want to be — is created by my personality type. I am not 100 percent certain, but I believe I fall into the INFJ category. That means I use logic and intuition in equal parts — analytical and creative at the same time. That means I use both sides of my brain, usually at the same time.
In some ways that sounds wonderfully balanced. Some ways it is wonderfully balanced. In other ways, it’s a tug of war. When it comes to life decisions about following your heart or your head, it’s not so pretty. The logical side tries to analyze and justify everything, even less traditional, less logical options. Rationalizing matters of the heart doesn’t always work very well, unfortunately.
When both sides of the brain are pulling your heart in different directions, sometimes the whole self just splits down the middle. That’s what I just experienced. My need to do something more creative pulled against my need to be responsible and pay my bills to the point that I split.
So I gave myself a break for a day. A break from thinking about my situation and where I’m going to go. I went to bed early. A good, long sleep can help quite a bit. It always seems to help me.
I woke up this morning in a better place. I’ve devised a plan for myself. I’m not going to talk about it here. I’m kind of superstitious and I worry that I’ll jinx something if I state it out loud. This plan, however, does allow both sides of my brain to feel happy.
I know some folks in this world (in my life) won’t necessarily like this approach. They want to see me make a full jump into one area or another. But this is not their life. I have to do things my way. I have to feel comfortable. I’m moving in a different and better direction for myself, but it’s my process. I have to do it my way … even if it’s slower and it takes me longer to get there.
I also don’t expect it will be my final destination, but it is the next step. That’s what I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been making my next step my final destination in my head. Thus, the extreme tug of war with both sides of my brain.
I will say that my plan includes a creative option and a practical option that I will pursue simultaneously without overwhelming myself. I’ve been doing that anyway, but I’m formalizing it now. In fact, I’m going to write it down and set up a schedule to make it happen. I’m going to put time on my calendar each day to remind myself of these goals and to set mini-goals for each day. That’s the J part of the INFJ personality. I need structure and I’m trying to also improve my self-discipline.
I will have to put a few other things I’ve been working on to the side for a short while or at least limit my activity with them. That’s why I’m writing this post. I’m not closing down my blog, but I am going to spend less time on it while I focus on these other activities.
I still believe in the purpose of this blog. And in some ways, I am working toward that same goal in my new plan, but I have to focus. I’m spread too thin right now. I’m forcing myself to have more direction. Eventually, I will at least try or possibly incorporate all the things I want to do with my life. I just can’t do them all at one time.
I have to stop ripping my soul apart and move in a direction. And I have to do it in a way that gives me some peace while I move through the process. That’s my plan, so until I post again … peace, y’all.