Stop the Soul Ripping

Using structure and direction to give yourself inner peace

So, I want to apologize for my breakdown in my last post. I don’t know what happened. I honestly don’t. I was good and happy and then I wasn’t.

Well, I have an idea of what happened. Do you ever see someone’s life and they are happy and pursuing their dreams and you ask yourself why can’t I figure my life out? That’s what happened in my last post.

Although I’m happy when I see others with their lives figured out, I kind of fall apart because I don’t have my life figured out.

The chasm I talked about in my previous post — between who I am and who I want to be — is created by my personality type. I am not 100 percent certain, but I believe I fall into the INFJ category. That means I use logic and intuition in equal parts — analytical and creative at the same time. That means I use both sides of my brain, usually at the same time.

In some ways that sounds wonderfully balanced. Some ways it is wonderfully balanced. In other ways, it’s a tug of war. When it comes to life decisions about following your heart or your head, it’s not so pretty. The logical side tries to analyze and justify everything, even less traditional, less logical options. Rationalizing matters of the heart doesn’t always work very well, unfortunately.

When both sides of the brain are pulling your heart in different directions, sometimes the whole self just splits down the middle. That’s what I just experienced. My need to do something more creative pulled against my need to be responsible and pay my bills to the point that I split.

So I gave myself a break for a day. A break from thinking about my situation and where I’m going to go. I went to bed early. A good, long sleep can help quite a bit. It always seems to help me.

I woke up this morning in a better place. I’ve devised a plan for myself. I’m not going to talk about it here. I’m kind of superstitious and I worry that I’ll jinx something if I state it out loud. This plan, however, does allow both sides of my brain to feel happy.

I know some folks in this world (in my life) won’t necessarily like this approach. They want to see me make a full jump into one area or another. But this is not their life. I have to do things my way. I have to feel comfortable. I’m moving in a different and better direction for myself, but it’s my process. I have to do it my way … even if it’s slower and it takes me longer to get there.

I also don’t expect it will be my final destination, but it is the next step. That’s what I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been making my next step my final destination in my head. Thus, the extreme tug of war with both sides of my brain.

I will say that my plan includes a creative option and a practical option that I will pursue simultaneously without overwhelming myself. I’ve been doing that anyway, but I’m formalizing it now.  In fact, I’m going to write it down and set up a schedule to make it happen. I’m going to put time on my calendar each day to remind myself of these goals and to set mini-goals for each day. That’s the J part of the INFJ personality. I need structure and I’m trying to also improve my self-discipline.

I will have to put a few other things I’ve been working on to the side for a short while or at least limit my activity with them. That’s why I’m writing this post. I’m not closing down my blog, but I am going to spend less time on it while I focus on these other activities.

I still believe in the purpose of this blog. And in some ways, I am working toward that same goal in my new plan, but I have to focus. I’m spread too thin right now. I’m forcing myself to have more direction. Eventually, I will at least try or possibly incorporate all the things I want to do with my life. I just can’t do them all at one time.

I have to stop ripping my soul apart and move in a direction. And I have to do it in a way that gives me some peace while I move through the process. That’s my plan, so until I post again … peace, y’all.

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4 thoughts on “Stop the Soul Ripping”

  1. Like that you have a plan that gives you comfort and direction. 😀

    I’m with you on the superstition. People’s negative energy can find tendrils into a plan and tear it apart, so I understand the desire to guard it until it is further solidified and strong enough to be shared with others. Much love!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for the kind thoughts … and for understanding my superstitions. My own negative energy can also tear a plan apart. If I put it out there and I get a lot of good feedback, or a lot of bad feedback, or no feedback at all (pretty much any feedback scenario), I will start to overthink it. I rather just do for a while and not overthink it.

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  3. You have my full support in whatever direction you move in. Like you I sometimes struggle with the creativity/ analytical. I generally let the creative side take lead not because it’s better , it’s just more fun. Lately I’ve been blending them both with “creative analysis”. Hard to explain what that is but it’s something like free-form dancing . You know the dance steps but you just let your body improvise some without thinking about it. I analyze, then create a way to use it. You are a talented, unique and wonderful conscientious soul, and we will always be here for you.

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  4. I would love to let the creative side take lead. I just have to pay my bills. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have an issue at all. I can’t just hope that things will work out for the best. Well, technically, I can but I’m not sure that’s a sound decision.

    Thank you, though, for the kind words and the support. I can’t help but feel like a disappointment, though. I don’t know how to explain this, but for some time I have felt like I’ve been receiving assistance or guidance of some sort to move in a new direction. It is part of the reason I started this blog. I want to move in a whole new direction, but it’s hard to make the decision to go in a new direction knowing I may lose everything if it doesn’t work out. Actually, I don’t even care about losing everything except for what happens after you lose it — living on the streets or moving back home. Neither appeals to me. I wish I didn’t feel that way. I wish I didn’t feel like I’m screwing up an opportunity by being even remotely safe and practical (regardless if it is truly an opportunity or not).

    This feeling of guidance, though … I’m not sure what it is. I don’t know if it’s spiritual intervention or just my imagination. I reach out and ask questions — where am I being guided, what should I be considering, what’s my next step? I have free will. I will ultimately decide if I’m ready to make a move or not (or if I even think it’s the right move for me). But I never get answers. Never, so I have to do the best I can. Unfortunately, the best I can do is take a dual path that provides some security while pursuing something less secure on the side. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s a solution of sorts. I wish I could turn off the practical. I’ve always wanted to do that, but I can’t. Well, I did once. Things worked out, but I was lucky that time. Very lucky. Still thank you for the support. It is appreciated more than you know.

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