I died yesterday. My body still functions, but the soul of me passed away. At least what I thought was the soul of me.
I woke this morning, and my skin suit slipped right off the bone as I rose out of bed. When I began to walk, my skeleton crumbled to the ground. There I stood. Shiny and new.
I was sad at first, my skin suit lying crumpled on the bed and the dust of my foundation scattered across the floor. But then not. I heard the birds singing outside my window. It wasn’t a sign that it was going to be a good day. It wasn’t an omen of a bad day. It was simply birds singing, and it was beautiful.
I made my way to the bathroom as I usually do each morning. I looked in the mirror and saw the same physical creature staring back at me. Skin suit still intact. But I was different.
My ego was gone. The longing and yearning for things were gone. Feelings were clouds passing by. Nothing more. Anxiety and anguish released.
It sounds empty, I suppose. In some ways it is. Empty has its upside, though. It’s quiet and peaceful. All those thoughts that were always there before gone.
I became a vessel instead of stone. No longer solid and heavy. Open, rather, and light like a feather.
When I opened my plantation shutters before starting my morning routine, the early morning sunlight fell beautifully through the trees. It reminded me of waking up in Paris. No particular memory of anyone or anything, just the feeling of waking up in a foreign city for the first time in my life. Awe tinged with anticipation.
As I made my way through various yoga poses, a new kind of spirit filled my body. I lost myself in the movements. It wasn’t me swaying like a cobra. Something was moving through me. I felt it in my veins.
Afterward, meditation felt like floating.
It’s a strange sensation — so different from how I typically feel. But it is good.
If you’ve watched the Matrix when all the numbers drip down around Neo without touching him, it’s kind of like that. A lot like that actually.
It feels like being surrounded by water, yet you can still breath. Perhaps you breathe even better than before. There’s a softness in your movement. A slow, purposeful pace. The water buoys you rather than drowns you. Floating.
As you know if you’ve read this blog, the past year has been one of change for me. Well, the last couple of years actually. I experienced the loss of a long-time pet. Loss of a parent. Loss of a job and potentially my career altogether.
Perhaps that’s part of the shedding process, though. That’s how it begins — the awakening.
While parts of my life were sliding straight into hell at a pace faster than I could process, other parts were moving forward. I started taking care of myself. Although I must admit, it didn’t feel like upward movement at the time. It was more of a struggle to stay afloat. To not drown in the river of life.
Lesson 1: Our tribulations prepare us for spiritual growth and possibly awakening.
It’s weird, though. This yoga thing … and meditation thing. I was broken earlier this week. Bad interview experiences, some heartbreak or confusion that felt like heartbreak. Honestly, I can’t even describe this week. I went to bed last night empty in a bad way.
But, I got up and did my morning ritual. Yoga, meditation, cardio/strength training, smoothie and today I wrote. I wrote the first portion of this post, and then I came back this afternoon to finish up. I was curious if the feeling of lightness would continue.
It has. It’s weird … in a good way. Maybe some spiritual shit is starting to come together, you know? I’m calmer today. My anxiety is gone — or at least greatly reduced. I haven’t been angry all day.
One of the reasons I started focusing on self-care so much was because I had seen myself grow angrier and missing out on things I once enjoyed. I’m not 100 percent back to where I was when I was five, but day’s like today make me feel much closer than I was.
Lesson 2: If you find yourself angry a lot or easily ticked off, something’s off kilter. Try a little self-care to get back into alignment with who you are.
Sometimes I lose track of what this blog is about. Yes, it’s about self-care with an emphasis on yoga and meditation. It’s also about making the world a better place. Yoga and meditation are also about making the world a better place by making yourself the best version you can be.
That impacts those around you. We’ve all seen it. A good mood begets another good mood, and a bad mood begets a bad mood. Hate begets hate and love begets love.
It’s a beautiful day in my neighborhood today. Mr. Rogers would love it. I had a slower day of interviewing and applying. I was able to watch the bees boring holes in my banisters and stuffing their round little bodies in a hole. Birds eating seeds off my patio. The sun rise and set.
Lesson 3: Sometimes we have to break to move forward.
Sometimes you have to break to move forward. I feel like I moved forward today, although a part of me had to fall away. A less pleasant part had to die in order for a good part to re-awaken. That’s good, though. A hard experience perhaps, but good growth overall. And if we all strive for that, if we feel a little lighter, a little less angry, I think we will see a lot more love begetting love in this world. That is my goal.